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Written Tuesday Night-
I said before that I wasn’t going to shy away from the less positive and more personal aspects of my personality and self, so today I’ll talk about some of them. I think most people when they look at me assume I’m vain and shallow. -.- I can’t exactly blame people for assuming that … I do put a bit to much effort into the way I look. Vanity… there are many different reasons why a person comes off as vain.
Some were born beautiful and can’t help but show of because they’ve grown up hearing how good looking they are and well ….now they have massive egos. Others try to make them selves beautiful because they want to be complimented or recognized. And some… some just have some serious image issues. Then there are those who do it for reasons that are so easy to explain.
Probably at this point your asking yourself “Hmm so why is Juulia so vain? Reason A,B,C, or D?” You tell me because I don’t know! What I do know is that it’s not option A. I was not born “beautiful”. Don’t get me wrong! I wasn’t born deformed or ugly either and as a baby I was actually pretty cute. But after my cuteness period I went through a time where I was … well not “a good looking chid”
You probably think I’m exaggerating. -.- If only.. I literally was not an “attractive” kid ... not unattractive ... but not likely to win any beauty pageants either. Aka I was plain. It didn’t bother me of course, and it probably wouldn’t have bothered me at all xept.. well Iida didn’t have the same problem as me. -.-
I didn’t mind that either. I knew even when I was that little that we weren’t the same person so I couldn’t compare myself to her. But … people we’re very discrete about the difference they saw between us. People would literally ignore me as they complimented her. It was how insensitive people were that I couldn’t deal with.
Adults should have more common sense. -.- But sometimes they strike me as some of the most stupid people on the planet. Children do understand certain things and it was when I was around 8 ( I didn't post any pics of back then but ... er yeah I couldnt bring myself too -.- Lets just say that at 10 I was a beauty queen compared to 8) that I realized the reason people liked Iida more than me was because … she was prettier than me. A light bulb moment you could say I guess. This sounds like a poor me story right now but don’t worry this isn’t for pity points or anything … I’m writing this because it’s a part of who I am as a person. It’s also a time of my life that’s in the past. I’m not ashamed of it, I’ m not angry over it, and I defiantly don’t sit in corner and weep over it. I just accept it having occurred and move on with my life.
I never told anyone what I had begun to think … I’m not sure why. Maybe I assumed that since it was something I could do nothing about, it wasn’t worth bothering people with. As a result I ended up locking away a lot of feelings … especially the feeling of sadness. When someone made a comment about how I looked… I’d get stone faced and lock the sadness away. Eventually it would catch up with me of course ... but I figured so long as I didn’t show I was hurt… people would eventually stop comparing the two of us to each other.
It was stupid of me to think that of course … people never stop comparing you to other people. Eventually I came to terms with my looks, partially due to the fact that me and Iida (with whom I’d had a two sided sibling rivalry with… many reasons for this and since the involved Iida as well I won’t go into them) were finally able to put everything behind us and I found a friend in her instead of the enemy she’d been before. And as luck would have it, I ended up growing better looking when I hit puberty.
So now you can scroll back up and see if I’m reason B,C, or D. Maybe this gives you a better picture of what I’m like as a person … maybe it just really scares you! Idk lol at least now you guys know I really don’t have a problem putting my weaknesses out there on display. Why? Because its not a weakness. Instead knowing I made it through it gives me strength … strange as that sounds.
Alright all this soul bearing has made me very tired. Anyone who’s reading this don’t think I have some major image issues -.- I really don’t. I wanted to share with you all how I’ve become the person I am. This is many years in the past. Lol there is no need to worry about me. =) Just read it and maybe understand me a bit better. Yeah? -.- I’ve posted some pictures of the young me and Iida as well. Just so you guys can see what I what exactly I looked like. -.- I’m not saying I was ugly!! Just that I had to deal with a lot of criticism about the way I looked and a lot of comparison between me and Iida.. People were often overly harsh about their comment on the way I looked … and it was always the adults. They probably thought that being so young I wouldn’t understand what they were saying … Alright Night =)
Iida looks pretty young here so she was probably 3 making me 5. (Note- Iida perms her hair now but back then the curls were natural) At this age we both still looked cute.
Me age 10 or 11. As you can see I wasn't ugly ... but I didn't look like as cute as Iida and people pointed it out to me a lot.
Iida at 8. As you can see she was very pretty little girl.
Me at 13. Puberty was a good time for me. Sadly I got a lot of misconceptions at this age due to people suddenly wanting to be my friend. I thought maybe it was due to my better looks. -.- That only helped fuel my idea that the better you look the more people will like you.
Me at age 13 and a half. Aha! Yes! I finally got better looking!
0_0 take a look at my hair thats some chunky highlights ... This was taken about 4 years ago. Making me 14 (I had my bday right before) at the time. Iida was 12 turing 13. We were going to a formal dance or something. -.- And my mom wanted to take this pic before we left.
And finally me at 15, Iida at 13, Jan at 10 and my Dad at... No idea how old.
